This week I realized that my relationship with "getting things done" doesn't align with the optimal version of myself. It may have started in 2014, the year I dropped out of college, 1 and a half years after entering. Before 2014, I had never experienced sadness so physically painful. Luckily, it only lasted less than a year.
2014
I wonder what that sadness was caused by. Was it due to "quitting" a commitment, feeling inadequate, or lesser than my peers? I tried to convince myself that my sadness came down to a lack of motivation, mental strength, and social ability. Overall, I felt I was too stupid and lazy to complete school. Funnily, I got pretty good grades. Lack of confidence was the real issue.
The social backfire of being a dropout was mostly self-inflicted. Friends and family rarely showed judgment as much as I convinced myself they were. As a result, I couldn't bear the idea of working as a cleaning lady which I associated as the obvious next step for a deadbeat dropout. I cleaned small laundromats for a very nice family until this year.
During those 6 years, I learned and grew into a person that 2014 me wouldn't be able to recognize. I learned how to hold conversation, run a business, deescalate conflicts, and show empathy. I mostly learned that I am far more privileged than I want to admit. My sadness was nothing compared to the stories I heard from some patrons. I put my life into perspective and re-imagined who I was and who I wanted to become. However, the growth wasn't without some downturns.
Anti-Social
Being anti-social is a blessing and a curse. It can create a bubble, a safe space that is only beneficial to the loner. This personality trait narrowed my mindset (and arguably continues to) in a way that I'm ashamed of. It is a blessing for obvious reasons. More time to read, learn, build few but strong relationships, etc. The curses outweigh the blessings in my opinion. This is why I'm so distraught by my poor social skill, and why I desire desperately to climb out of this crippling social anxiety.
The resentment for my anxiety turned sour during this period. I very much wanted to prove to everyone that I was capable of leaving the laundromat to do something "impressive," whatever that means. Around 2016, I learned to code, started to read books daily, followed "productivity gurus" and tried to learn as much as I could about business. Thing is, because my motive was to prove my worth, my ego grew and, and with such far-reaching goals, every small failure was an immense disappointment.
I gained 120 pounds and, again, became painfully depressed. This is where my obsession with getting things done begins.
2020
This year I lost that weight, adjusted my worldview thanks to current events and experiences since 2014, started a project that wasn't driven by financial growth, learned to appreciate the skills I have, and developed a deep sadness for the disadvantages of others rather than my own.
I desire input over output now. I want to learn to learn. I don't want to brag about what I learn. I don't want to prove a selfish point with what I learn. I don't care much at all about business now. I never really did. My output is solely dependent on this: does it or does it not aid my learning? And so, does that learning have a discernible purpose? I'm working on the latter.